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30 Year Old Freshman

by Gerko

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1.
199666 02:57
Back in ’96, I was melting G.I. Joes in the kitchen. Mama told me knock it off, but you know I didn’t listen. Get ‘em pissed man, I was a problem child. That boy been known to drive ‘em wild. Get suspended for weeks on end, and I’d do it with a smile: fucked up teeth and all. Stiff upper lip and stiffer jaw. Woo-hah, I got you all in check, ooh baby, I like it raw. Just a class clownin’ scrub taking cans back to the party store. A couple years before I started stealing pot out of my pops’ sock drawer. I’ve been trying not to lose my head but I’ve been living on the edge, so don’t push me. No, don’t push me. I’ve been trying not to lose my head but I’ve been living on the edge, so don’t push me. Back in ’06, I was breaking up bricks in the kitchen. Got popped in 2008, it really didn’t make a difference. My P.O. fucking hates me, my brains always been purple hazy, I’d piss in a cup once a week and then she’d say “Fuck you, pay me.” Rocking shows in the basement, drunk and on probation, if the cops show up I’ll surely get a 30 day vacation. Cause that’s a violation man, I was patient, I paid my debt to “the man”. I’m sick of police stations, I hope they never see my face again. I’ve been trying not to lose my head but I’ve been living on the edge, so don’t push me. No, don’t push me. I’ve been trying not to lose my head but I’ve been living on the edge, so don’t push me. Back in 2016, I lost 6 friends in a span of months. Quit drinking booze, I almost quit this too, I was on my Forrest Gump. Running from problems, I was too broken to solve ‘em, Empty wallet and emptier noggin’. I know I talk a lot but I swear to God I’m sick of talk, man. Dirty rotten imbecile, broken-hearted and miserable, survivors guilt up to the gills, looking for a life that’s livable. I’ve gotten to the point where if I’ve gotta, I'ma go on like this, cause every year of my life has felt like 199666. I’ve been trying not to lose my head but I’ve been living on the edge, so don’t push me. No, don’t push me. I’ve been trying not to lose my head but I’ve been living on the edge, so don’t push me. Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge, I’m trying not the lose my head.
2.
Lump 03:28
I remember a time when we brothers, that’s a fact, but you acted so relaxed while you stabbed me in the back. I never thought you'd hide inside the lies you created, learned to read between the lines, now your words leave me jaded. I'm scraping this plate into the garbage, even though you're starving. Go ahead and call me heartless, you're the one who started carving the chicken before the egg hatched. Now I'm the terrorist in the cockpit, I'll leave you scratching your head like a bad case of lock itch. I got your locks picked, I'm pulling a fast one son, it’s is payback 101, the moshpit of shit has just begun to hit the fan. How does the eye of the storm smell? It’s exactly the kind of worthless beef they put in food at Taco Bell. I'm not doing well, fuck the show and tell, thanks for stopping jocking. Get to kicking rocks before I let my kicks do the talking. It's not really important, we're all winners to some. But, when you walk by I just hide in my lump like… This lump, this lump in my throat. This lump, this lump, this lump; This lump in my throat feels so numb. This lump, this lump in my throat. This lump, this lump, this lump; This lump in my throat feels just like a gun. Let's make-believe my skin is made of wick and wax because I swear I feel it melting every time you pass. Burn my body to the bones and grind them into dust, we all get murdered daily by the people who we choose to trust. I breathe some life into my ego, I'm so big and dumb. Now I'm golden, I've got it all hidden inside this lump. Stretch out your legs, it's gonna be a short casket. Blow your gaskets now, cause nothing has ever lasted as long as anyone wanted. This tale is affixed to a comet and it's striking the moment when you very first made me vomit. Smell the shit you stepped in then realize it's me, I'm a perfect shot, I swear. Can I shoot an apple from between your knees? Coughs, curses, and broken wheezes are all my lungs produce. I want to play Jesus too, nail me to the 'T' in truth. Our lives are falsely measured, the clocks won't always hum, So I’m walking around with magic bullets hidden in my lump like… This lump, this lump in my throat. This lump, this lump, this lump; This lump in my throat feels so numb. This lump, this lump in my throat. This lump, this lump, this lump; This lump in my throat, it feels just like a gun.
3.
Thumbs up or thumbs down, I still do it like you don’t. Yeah, shit could get better, but I’m betting that it won’t. And a gambling man is more Peter Pan than Pete and Pete; I’m all mix of all 3, I get faded 'til I fall asleep then rinse and repeat 'til I’m sedated. Why is life so complicated? I just wanna stare at glowing screens ‘til the real world looks pixelated like that thumbnail, that jpeg, that road head, that safe sex. Early to rise, early to bed so this early bird gets to shit on your head. You ever seen thumbs like this? You ever get dumb like this? You kids wanna talk that shit, you can all get done like this, real quick. You ever seen thumbs this big? You ever get dumb like this? You kids wanna talk that shit, you can all get done like this, real quick. I’m on some “1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war”, y’all on some “Ew, Gerko, what you dressing like a scrub for?”. Call it how you see it, I’ve always denigrated the humdrum, catch me hitchhiking the highway to hell with these giant clubbed thumbs. I’m too smart to be a dumb-dumb but always acted like I was one to pull the wool over the eyes of party people with numb gums. Kinda wish I was one, it’s crazy what people do for fun, but my truth is stranger than your fiction, go redux your gimmick son. You ever seen thumbs this big? You ever get dumb like this? You kids wanna talk that shit you can all get done like this, real quick. You ever seen thumbs this big? You ever get dumb like this? You kids wanna talk that shit you can all get done like this, real quick. Wanna thumb wrestle? I thought not. You better mind your P’s and Q’s, cause I do this better than you do. You want some rye? Of course you do. Who are you? It doesn’t matter, dude, nobody cares. You ain’t wet behind the ears, you’re steady pissing in your ‘wears. That’s not beef, it's pork chops. You getting props? Of course not. I played Return to Zork, yeah, I’m a dork, but this dork rocks spots. You know not what you speak of, better get your thumbs to googlin’, I’m the type to get the crowd boomin’ and leave your ego neutered, kid. You ever seen thumbs this big? You ever get dumb like this? You kids wanna talk that shit you can all get done like this, real quick. You ever seen thumbs this big? You ever get dumb like this? You kids wanna talk that shit you can all get done like this, real quick.
4.
I feel more at home in a dark and musty basement than I do running through the hills of this disgusting wasteland encased in pavement. This shit’s a maze, man, your life is a skinner’s box, ‘til the one who call the shots call the cops, then all bets are off. I was the faceplant kingpin, drunk as a skunk punk in the trunk, now I just pour one out for the homies who up and went kerplunk. Spent the last 24 months steeped in regret that’s palpable with an OCD grimace grin etched into my sunken skull. I was drowning in a shallow puddle, resigning to my shadow double, truth be told I feel like I’ve always been more trouble than I’m worth. I’m told that I’ve been a cynic since birth and mother earth said grass is always greener when it’s astroturf. But every day is a green day when I’m envious of all that cash like I never met a dollar that I didn’t burn to ash. I feel like I’ve always known the answer but never heard the question. Nothing feels less fresh than being a 30-year-old freshman I can’t convince myself to change, can’t convince myself to act my age, I cannot change and I’m been going down the drain. X4 I’ve been looking in the mirror on some “what the fuck is wrong with me?” More dejected than I was at seventeen, somebody stop me, please. I need to see a shrink, talk it out, stop and think, but can’t even get myself to move and every dish is dirty in the sink. So, yeah, I know I need some help but I don’t need your help. I’ve been in hell since hell was hell and I can’t see this ending well. It’s a swell day to swelter in the furnace of this sack race while my foible and my fate silently elope and suck face. Oh great, the sun rays are bringing silver linings to my shadows, it’s just a matter of time before I’m laughing in the gallows. How low can I go? Truthfully, I don’t even know. Yo, I might be wearing a cape but I’ve also got a tag on my toe. Beauty is in the eye of the beast, best heed the warning sign on the gate before you show up for a dinner date and wind up on my dinner plate. I’ve always been an ingrate, you were just too great to judge me, and when you finally get the hint you’ll be the last person who loved me. I can’t convince myself to change, can’t convince myself to act my age, I cannot change and I’ve been going down the drain. X4

about

30 Year Old Freshman is Gerko's first EP in over 5 years. Over the EP's 12-minute runtime, Gerko unpacks some of the events that led to this inactivity and paints a picture of his disillusionment with his artistic process during this period of his life. True stories, melodramatic hyperbole, big thumbs, and heroic misery; this EP has all of this and more!

When asked about the EP, Gerko says "I wrote this EP during my freshman year of college. I hit a brick wall of despair after over a decade of grinding in kitchens and rapping at punk shows, so I decided to go to college shortly before I turned 30. At its core, this project is a post-mortem of an era when my mental health problems almost took my most important outlet, rapping, away from me. It's also a bit of a double entendre, just me poking fun at my inactivity as an artist in my late 20s.

Big ups to AATMA for the beats, the dude is beyond talented."

credits

released January 8, 2021

All instrumentals produced by AATMA
Recorded, mixed, and mastered by Wil Jessup
Artwork by Nick Erickson at Repeater Press
(based on sketches by Nick Willman)

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Gerko Marquette, Michigan

Gerko is a rapper, poet, and punk rock musician from Michigan who has been making noise throughout the Midwest for over a decade.

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